As I have contemplated my own issues, I have observed others around me. Are they so complete and life so good? Do they ever feel like I do? I don't know....I have never been bold enough to ask and if I did, I might get kicked to the curb. I don't know. But what does it really matter anyway. I am not them and they not me. I just have my hunches - that's all.
In my thinking or "self-reflecting" (more professional term", I have noticed that the more things around me to distract, the less I feel myself. It makes my soul turn inside out. Like being shocked continually. No time or space to just "be". Let my mind think and expand. Let it be creative in it's own way. Let my emotions surface and acknowledge them. Yeah, I have put all my emotions pretty far away in me somewhere. I dare not let them out for I fear losing control of the few things I seem to have control over. Or maybe I just fear the emotion of the emotion. The pain and unpleasantness of being human. Guess that is something I need to work on.
Time.....it has evaded me and left me middle aged with two little babies to raise by myself. This right here scares me beyond death. The wonder if I can do it by myself and the wonder and sick feeling of "what if I am alone forever???" Oh God, please don't let me be alone for the rest of my life on this earth. I have been alone for such a long time now.....my marriage to a very unstable man was like being a widow. Always forgetting myself and putting everyone and everything else first. Not that I think you have to first in everything - but there is a limit to losing oneself. You can't just become a nobody. You weren't created to live like that. How can one give, if they have nothing left to give??? Oxymoron.
I have no idea if this is even going to help me. All I know is that I have a lot to sort out and put in it's proper place before I can move forward with "ME". It is exhausting just trying to maintain an even strain......so people don't notice you are slowly going insane. Like wearing a happy clown face all the while you are dying inside and don't know how to ask for help. Maybe you don't even know if you need help - maybe you think you are beyond help. You are so numb you don't even feel. This is where I think I am. I do feel, but they are always the painful realization feelings of loss and "I missed the train!!". **sigh**
